Living With An Addict & Tough Love

Living with an addict (taken from the times 31.8.07)

The year that I was born was the same year that my half-sister, Louise, began her life as a heroin addict. It was 1977 and she was 17. Just a few days ago she told me that she last took the drug in July (she injects). Since then, she said, she has kept to her methadone prescriptions. Of course I’m pleased for her, and I told her so. But I’m afraid that I’m pessimistic about the likelihood of her staying off heroin for long.

For three decades I’ve been a witness to Louise’s addiction and our mother’s anguished attempts to free her of it, until her death five years ago. Mum was almost as consumed by her unconditional imperative to revive Louise as Louise is by heroin.

Mum tried everything she could. That’s just what you do. You don’t waste time debating whether it’s tough love or loving tolerance that’s the best way to help your addict child – the only debate is which method to try after the one you’re trying now fails

Tough Love

Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."

One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior.  We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary.  To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self.  If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way.  If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.

Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling.  It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction.   A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner.  Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving